Wilde Like Me by Louise Pentland

Author:Louise Pentland [Louise Pentland]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hot Key
Published: 2017-05-30T04:00:00+00:00

TWENTY-THREE

I WAKE UP THE NEXT morning and the memories of it all wash over me again. Theo isn’t lying half-naked next to me like he should be; he didn’t come with me to the meal and, instead, I took my place as the sad single mum at the top of the table, with Gillian to my left giving me little knee squeezes every time someone said, ‘And where’s this handsome new chap of yours, Robin?’ It was my own fault for making such a fuss about him. I cringe just thinking about it.

It’s not so much that he didn’t come to that specific night; it’s the smack-in-the-face realisation that he means more to me than I do to him. To me, he’s my potential future, but I’m wondering if to him I’m just a game. He’s never free when I suggest a date. Every time he suggests one, of course I come running. I’m a walking, talking toy that he can pick up and shake about and play with whenever he fancies, but only ever on his terms. Bastard. I hope he enjoyed playing the fun weekend dad. I hope he enjoyed his ready-made family, putting Lyla on his shoulders, letting that woman in the craft tent think he was the doting father. How dare he use us like this? I’m starting to feel furious again, so I take a couple of minutes to stay in bed, and breathe deeply – I even download a mindfulness app – and I calm myself down.

Kath is dropping Lyla off at 9 a.m. and it’s already 8.45, so I roll out of bed and wrap my old fleecy, stained dressing gown around me. At least I don’t have to bother with trying to be sexy and alluring this morning. Thank God for small mercies.

Bypassing the mirror (I came back to an empty house, and it didn’t feel good. One knock, and the sadness feels like it could overwhelm me. I cried more last night, before going to bed without removing my make-up, so I can’t face my face just yet) I plod downstairs and switch the kettle on. I’d thought Theo would be here today and that we’d go out, all three of us, but now that’s gone down the toilet I have no plans, except to try to keep The Emptiness I can feel seeping in at bay. I’m going to put decent mothering on the back burner and declare it a TV Day with beige freezer food for dinner and, for me, continuous cups of tea and custard creams. I had a creative briefing from Natalie that I was supposed to be researching this weekend, but the thought of working right now fills me with dread. I don’t want to think about anything.

On the dot of nine I hear a key in the door and the familiar ‘oooo-eeeee, only me’ of Kath.

‘Hello, love! How was your night? Was it as wonderful as you’d hoped? Is he upstairs still? Can I meet

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